Potty Tales

HONG KONG

So I have this problem. I don’t like taking dumps where people can hear, see, or smell my doodoo. That just bothers me. I know that they know that I go doodoo, but I don’t want them to have to experience it first hand. Other people are totally cool with it, and like talk to you while they dump and you hear it plop. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that—I admire those people and think they’re hella brave—but I just can’t do it. So I usually hold it. Until I’m dying. Then I find somewhere else to go. If worst comes to worst I ask them to wait outside or go do something else for a while. I kind of have the same problem with peeing, but I don’t really care as much (although I avoid having other people hear/see me pee when possible).

I was staying in Hong Kong for the night with Nhu, Joyce, and Vedita getting our Z visas so that we could work in China. We were all cramped into this piece of shit hostel and I was staying there illegally (like I didn’t pay for an extra bed, I just crammed in with Nhu and slept in the crack next to the wall).

So I had to take a dump. We had a private bathroom, but it was like right there with a little mini-fake-door that you could hear through and definitely smell through. So then I felt bad. So then I went looking for a public bathroom but I couldn’t find one. I did, however, pass a wide open door to a room that looked empty. I figured no one was staying there for the night and so I could use the bathroom and it would be fine. So then I went in, closed the door, locked it, and did my business. Halfway through I heard people outside the door and got nervous, HELLA nervous because if someone came in and yelled at me I was in a very compromising position. What was I gonna do in the middle of taking a dump? Luckily, no one knocked on the door. So then I wiped, etc and tiptoed out, only to see an Indian guy sitting at an official-looking desk right outside the room (the desk I had somehow neglected to see in my earlier excitement in finding a free, private toilet). “Hi,” I said. “Hi,” he said back, with a highly confused look on his face. And then he started to say something else but I bolted. I didn’t just walk fast, I booked it. R-A-N RAN.

Later that night I walked by his room again with Nhu (he was sleeping on the floor halfway in his room and halfway in the hall --- sketchy place I’m telling you) and I told her the story and, in the most Nhu-like manner, she was like, “DUDE, that guy is the manager! You just took a dump in the MANAGER’S room!!!” Yeah, just another day in the neighborhood.

SHENZHEN TO ZHUZHOU (HUNAN)

We were on the worst train in the history of the universe. No air, no sheets, only grass mats for beds, everything was hella dirty. Oh well though, no worries, right? Just wait it out, it was only a ten hour train. Until I had to go to the bathroom. Don't worry, only pee this time.

So then usually train bathrooms aren't really that bad, you just have to worry about the train stopping suddenly or moving a weird direction cuz you don't want to fall in there. GROSS.

This one, though, had a unique problem. There was a pipe that had burst and fresh water (as fresh as it could get in a bathroom on a train in China, I guess) was pouring onto the floor of the bathroom. I was like, gross, and so I went to the other one. Someone had barfed in there. GROSS. Chose the lesser of two evils and decided to brave the flooded one. It wasn't bad because I had shoes, so, no worries, right?

Wrong. I took one pant leg off, squatted down, everything was cool. Until I felt something distinctly cold and wet slap my backside. EWWWWWWWWW!

There was a mop hanging on the back wall of the bathroom (which is like a 3 ft by 3 ft box), and presumably people had used it to mop up the floodwater in the bathroom. Every time the train shifted directions, the mop would bounce off the wall and slap me in the butt. HAHA. I couldn't move because I was peeing, and so I just took it. In the butt. From a mop. (Relatives: I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist the joke). Anyway, it was soooo gross. Every time the train moved, just *SLAP* *SLAP* or a light *slap*. Haha... ahhh China. :)